Dealing dating anxiety
People who suffer from anxiety may have more frequent anxious thoughts, or more extreme catastrophic outcomes in mind, but the solution is the same either way and it’s all about what expectations you have for dating. It won’t jinx you if you let go of the big goal, quite the opposite: it will free you up to be present, pay attention and enjoy. Whereas the facts sound like this: I have interests, I have things to talk about that I care about. Think of it as the New York Times covering your date rather than The National Enquirer.Rather than be dragged around by your imagination which is moving fast and furious, racing ahead, analyzing this and that, be in the moment. In the first column, write down your fears, in the second column, write down the facts. Even if she’s not interested in everything I say, we are likely to find some things in common, and if we don’t, that’s a no fault thing. e H: What if you’re really nervous that you won’t know what to say? Chansky: While we might be totally fine talking to a stranger next to us on a plane or at a conference, somehow when we think about what to say on a date we draw a big blank. Don’t stick with that first thought — move on to the truth: you have lots to say. If there are silences, remember you share the responsibility with your date. Chansky: Don’t go into a date convinced that your tank is empty, that your cupboard is bare; take stock of who you are.e H: Do you have any final ideas for curbing your anxiety? Chansky: The best way to manage anxiety is to not be afraid of it. D., author of Freeing Yourself from Anxiety (Da Capo 2012) is one of the nation’s leading psychologists specializing in freeing adults, teens, and children from everyday worry, anxiety and doubt through a new understanding of the nuts and bolts of how anxiety works.
When you realize that it’s not a critic sitting across the table from you, and you quiet the critic in your head, you can take hold of the opportunity to pay attention and connect.e H: What if things don’t work out, then how does one handle that? Chansky: Remember that you can’t control the outcome of a date.You can’t guarantee that it will be great and…importantly…that’s not a reflection on you. The other person has responsibility for the chemistry too.You also get worried about “What if she is not the one?” Guys, presumptions won’t help, trying to know her would. But if you hold yourself back because of this fear, then you are definitely going to be left heartbroken.